i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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