So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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