So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I won the penis lottery.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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