Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So vagazzling was a success
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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