I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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