So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
