You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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