I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
