Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I enjoy the company of your penis
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