I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
