she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
