there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
