I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
