I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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