I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
