watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
