If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
