Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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