just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
