I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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