I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
