marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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