And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
