Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
