so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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