I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
