I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
