Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
