I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
