you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize