i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I supernannyed him into submission
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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