What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
