I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
