Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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