Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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