Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
What a dumb baby whore.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
