but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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