Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
