cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize