you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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