shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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