halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
