So drunk its hurt
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
