Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I will pee on everything he values.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
