He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
