He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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