Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
