totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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