I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Are my feet made of real feet?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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