I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
