did you get engaged???
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
