I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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