im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
