I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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