the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
