Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
