well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she looked like the before picture.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
