Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
