I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
