he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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