She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
