I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
