DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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