I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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