btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
